We Seek Two Relationships in Life

I have a theory: we seek two relationships in life: The first is the partner with whom we want to have children; the second is the partner with whom we want to get old. Often these two very different relationships are shared with the same person...but not always.

Many of us fall in love in our twenties, enjoy fiery courtships, get married, and have children (or dream of having children) with people who we think are beautiful, handsome, creative, intelligent, successful, etc.. During infatuation, which may last from a month to two years or so, our bodies keep us more or less locked together. But after this phase fades away it is friendship which takes over as the bond that keeps us together.

As we mature, we become aware of death. Some of us experience this in the twenties others in the thirties, and still others not at all. On the day we realize we’re aging, getting less attractive, losing our vitality, we are struck with a new question: With whom do I want to share my park bench when I'm old?

Regarding infatuation, this may sound strange, but I wouldn't want to live my entire life at intensity 110% and am quite content when a relationship calms down. Of course, this doesn't mean I do not like (and need) lots of affection and love.

Perhaps, if you’ve been together for over ten years, a new situation arises: the problem of "this is it." Just as monogamy has great and profound rewards, meeting new people also has a lot to offer. When we're together for so many years, it's possible we start to dream about another life: a more adventurous life in different countries doing different jobs with different partners.

I can understand yearning for more than the daily grind. I can also imagine dreaming about a life with someone else -- the catch is that we do not dream about losing our partner! It's so easy to throw ourselves into the arms of a new lover; so difficult to imagine the pain we inflict on our partner and the pain we feel when we lose our partner.

I believe that once we’ve switched to a new partner, it's only a matter of time before we suffer from the same problems of monogamy (albeit with slight differences). This is why one should think twice before breaking off a long-term relationship. There is so much to lose—namely, shared memories and experience, which, when we get old is all we're left with.